free write – 18 minutes

Where to begin….

Do you ever second-guess your entire life? Please tell me I’m not the only one. Some days everything seems like a great idea – fantastic – couldn’t be better – and some days everything seems all wrong – a big mistake – what the $(#*& am I doing?

I ended up here more or less by accident. I chose my major because I didn’t like doing homework for my other classes. I interviewed for one job. And here I am. Yes, this is an oversimplification, and there have been many decisions made along the way, and yes God has a purpose, blah blah blah… But sometimes I wonder if it would be easier – better? – if I had felt some CALLING, some magical something that pulled and tugged and told me THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

I remember struggling with this idea in college, mostly because I always felt that eventually I’d have to focus on one instrument. (Lo and behold, here I am still playing all three and then some.) The older I get, the more I try to understand the necessity of being CALLED to whatever it is I happen to be doing at the time, even if it isn’t mystical or magical.

(Side note: Maybe if we all chose our majors/careers/whatever by pulling swords from various stones? Just a thought.)

When I feel anxious or inadequate or hurt or afraid, my brain tells me that I’d be better off if I was doing something different. If I had a different job, or if I didn’t work at all. The urge is so powerful, so overwhelming at times, that it’s hard to separate a true need – a true CALLING – for change from the voice of my anxiety, whispering that things would be better, I’d feel less anxious, IF ONLY I would do X…

Ah, anxiety. My old friend. The name of this demon should be LEGION, for they are many.

  • Fear of failure.
  • Fear of not being good enough.
  • Worry about what others think.
  • Worry about the “right” thing to do.
  • Fear of looking stupid.
  • Fear of being made fun of.
  • Fear of not being liked.
  • Worry about the future.
  • Worry about the past.
  • Worry about the present.
  • Worry about pretty much everything.

You get the idea.

For the longest time, I had no idea that anxiety – ANXIETY – was a thing. A thing that could be treated with counseling and medication. Anxiety’s tendrils reach throughout my family tree, and so I just assumed this was how everyone lived their life.

Anxiety doesn’t rule me.

Usually.

Days like today, returning to work after time off, looking at what comes ahead… Anxiety is a much more difficult foe.

(Right now it is telling me to stop typing, because this really isn’t very good writing, and I know I’m capable of better. The grammar police are going to get me. All my English teachers would be horrified at the atrocious form, structure, and syntax of this pile of word vomit.)

So now what? I really don’t know. I thought this was going somewhere when I started, but I think I’ve talked myself in a circle, and I only have a minute left before my self-imposed end time.

I guess I trust that even in the uncertainty, God can use me for something. He’s got a history of using broken people to do great things.

Good luck this week, Sisters. I love you!

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